The Cover

Dark days, and pain that hovers close over me. teardrops upon the pavement and raindrops, upon the window pane. sorrow, defeat, lies, agony, unworthy of this life that the lord has given me. I've cried day in and day out. Feared, my helpless soul withering away with the world. I hide the unhappiness behind my smile, close my eyes and begin to cry. No one know suspects a thing cause my laughter is my cover my humor is my healing, sometimes I am so numb i find it hard to think, so blank no words to even write which is clearly my joy, wrapped around in this web of denial, claiming that I'm ok when deep down I hurt, deep down I am nothing.

The Feeling :)

I remember steering out a window up into the clouds wondering when it would be my turn to feel, light, weightless as the clouds did in the sky. They moved so effortlessly with the wind, I craved that feeling, to a point that I was almost afraid of it. afraid of the emptiness i would feel when the feeling would be taken away, how ripped apart my soul would feel and how broken my life would seem just for that feeling, that cloud like feeling.

Snow Days

Sitting here thinking damn when it snows that is the best time for me to get some. ;) I mean seriously it sets the whole mood in itself.

In every heart beat: Beyond broken

In every heart beat: Beyond broken: "I told myself I wasn't going to cry, I told myself it was only going to hurt for a little while. But the effects are more horrific than expe..."

Beyond broken

I told myself I wasn't going to cry, I told myself it was only going to hurt for a little while. But the effects are more horrific than expected and I just don't know which road to take. I have been through so many obstacles, is it wrong for me to feel that he was the only filling to the emptiness inside my heart. I feel broken and the pieces have yet to be restored.  I try to picture myself moving on but right now that seems to be fantasy and reality is my heart is nothing without his love in it. I miss those words "I love you" being said almost always. After a while I actually became tired of begging for his heart back because if it's truly not with me anymore then what the hell must I do or can I do to retrieve it. I feel so blank without him. My mind is a dark place, without that together forever feeling, I almost thought it was true. I feel cheated almost let-down, I never was given a chance just given up on constantly without a thought. It makes me wonder was I that bad, did I make you that unhappy. Which is impossible since i thrived to make u feel exactly the opposite. I am beginning to feel like I am unworthy of feeling happiness.  Like I don't deserve to feel loved. I sit here just uneasy, determined to get back the love that seems to be draining, and drifting away, and for a love that will forever stay the same.

when it rains, how do bugs feel?

So I have a oddly huge fear of bugs, but I was sitting here listening to it rain the clouds away and I was wondering where the bugs go or do they get washed away when its thuderstorming and raining more than cats and dogs outside... Oh well as long as they stay out my house I should be cool right?...lol...

Breaking up is like losing a part of your heart

          Sitting here thinking, is this real? Are we really over? how can this be?  I can remember that night like it was yesterday. See I never thought there could be an end to this night and day love, but trust it can happen when you least expect it. The words " Were not working" or " Were not clicking play over and over in my brain like a constant migraine. I keep thinking its a dream but its never a dream just a nightmare that only some can wake up from. Just try not to blame yourself even though in the end there is no way of avoiding that feeling that its all your fault believe me its not. I held on strong even when I felt like all odds were down. I never gave up. When you see the other person just giving in it kills more than mike myers in "holloween" lol. You sit there and you try to take everyones advice but most of the time they never say exactly what you want to hear. They end up saying stuff like " its gonna be ok, there is someone way better out there for you", but your thought is "I don't want anyone else or how the hell you know?". Or you have the religious friend and they end up saying stuff like "Only person you need is God" and your thought on this is "I love the lord, but can he hold me and keep me warm at night?" See I went through all of this. I went through long nights laying awake and stearing at the ceiling, just praying and hoping maybe this man is gonna call me and say "I'm sorry I don't know what I was thinking, I love you boo". "HA!" Please it never happened. I waited until the fone called me and said "Can you stop stearing at me, your making me nervous".  My heart still feels empty this feeling is something I wouldnt wish on the worst of my enemies. What I can say is the moment you realize, that maybe, just maybe, this person does not know what they just lost, you start to feel a lil brand new. Just hold on, everything is going to be just fine. See if I was smart, that night that my man said lets just take a couple of days off, I wouldve just listened hung up the phone and went to sleep, instead of trying so hard to fix something minor than turning it into something major like a break-up. Maybe he would still be my man. Questions I ask myself all day and all night. Don't spend your time wondering get out the house, go somewhere, go out, do something, cause the worst thing you can do is stay in the house feeling sorry for yourself. Try to stay happy even though breaking up is like losing a part of your heart. Any ways Keep on smiling, one smile can lead to a day of happiness.....